If you’re blind to your patterns, you’ll keep repeating them

In parallel, if you don’t reflect on your past, under pressure you’re bound to react very similarly to how you learned to cope when you were a child. When young, the brain is at a critical point where it’s more malleable and receptive to getting wired with how to cope with situations. We can learn new ways of coping throughout our lives for sure, but in high pressure situations, without much work or reflection, we’ll almost always react very similarly to how we learned to cope when we were young. So it’s worth examining what armor you wear. Armor being the ways you try to protect yourself that don’t serve you. 

Even if you had a great childhood, you’re bound to still have some unhelpful armor. Because we all were raised by imperfect humans, and even the best intended people can’t do things any better than they knew how. Some questions that may indicate armor you hold: did your family overly rely on humor to cope? Was talking about emotions altogether avoided? Did someone in your family make it feel unsafe to be vulnerable? Did you have a family that didn’t actually want to see who you were as a person or help you be an independent person? 

Brene Brown has said:

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.

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Love and users

There are some people who only want to use you, both in love and in friendships. There’s a lot of decent people out there too (that want win-win relationships), but let’s face it, some people are just selfish users. And you definitely have to be wary of how much you give to the users, because we’re all in need of reciprocation in our relationships (including listening, kindness, and being made a worthwhile priority). If you spend all your efforts on the wrong people, you’ll be drained dry, have crappy self-esteem, and won’t be able to be a fraction of the person you could be. I find a great way to sift through the users without getting too frustrated with the process is to continue to be willing to invest in people upfront knowing that some of those efforts will be a loss, but then pay careful attention to how people treat you back. You don’t want to stop putting yourself out there and putting effort upfront because that’s necessary for healthy relationships, but be very mindful to pay attention to how people treat you in return. You often won’t know right away how someone’s going to treat you (sometimes only time will tell). And if you weren’t shown your value growing up, it might take you longer to recognize when you’re continuing to give too much or being used. But regardless, once you do know enough, for the relationships that become mainly one sided, distance those people accordingly. Don’t continue to invest in the people that take a lot more than they give or you’re not going to be able to shine your unique and beautiful light near as bright as you could. Healthy relationships have both give and take. Invest in people, treat people with value and kindness, but recognize and sort out those users.

We’re just like dogs in some very crucial ways

Cesar Millan (the TV dog whisperer) once said, a dog is most able to change its patterns when it’s relaxed. For example, if an anxious dog tends to react by biting strangers, Cesar Millan would get the dog into a state of play (feel good feelings) before trying to change any tendencies. Once in a state of play, he would use that brain state/window of opportunity to start challenging habit behavior. Similarly as a counselor, I’ve learned that when human brains are relaxed, the brain has access to centers it doesn’t when it’s in a very intense emotional state. For instance, when we’re calm, we can think with more ingenuity, creativity, and similar to what Cesar Millan taps into with the dogs, have a lot more of an opportunity to go with a new tendency versus our automatic reaction. Basically, it’s helpful to calm down the brain before trying to change a habitual response. Practically speaking, if you or someone you care about wants to change, if at all possible, practice calming the nervous system down first (take some deep breaths, pause to cool down, or do some mindfulness work), before trying to make that change. It’s easier to not go with our natural reaction when calmer. 

Related, sometimes dogs go into attack mode easily due to their early experiences. After being mistreated early on, some become very defensive and bite a lot of people as a coping skill (a coat of armor they developed early on). Knowing the dog had early trauma, gives a lot of people compassion for these dogs (while of course not wanting to get too close lol). For humans, certain early traumas can also cause a lot of lifelong defensive reactions. Fortunately, as a huge difference to dogs,  we can be self-reflective, which can allow for more change. However, some people aren’t wanting or able to be very self-reflective, which leaves them basically similar to these dogs (always attacking or hurting other people through their behavior and it’s hard to change). This comparison can give us a lot of compassion for reactive humans who seem to be attacking everybody though. Boundaries are important with these people, particularly who aren’t doing improvement work on themselves (just like setting them with dogs that defensively bite). But we can have boundaries and compassion for people at the same time (just like with the defensive dogs). 

Just wanted to share that perspective.

💕

Difficult conversations…

The last two weeks have been a rain pour of difficult conversations and breakups. Let me explain…

For one, I broke up with my therapist. I had been thinking about it for a while. She’s sweet, but she’s also just really disorganized and doesn’t seem to have much recollection of what happened the previous session. I was originally drawn to her because she knows a lot of trauma modalities (EMDR, hypnosis, tapping techniques), but if you can’t be organized enough to keep notes and review them for 20 seconds before your session (and keep in mind I know what’s sloppy, because I’m a therapist myself), than your client ends up reminding you and reliving traumas from the past just to get you informed again, so it’s a problem. I don’t know if she has ADHD or why she is the way she is, but I finally had enough and just let her know I didn’t think she was a good fit for me as a therapist. I asked her to cancel all future sessions and thanked her for trying to help me. She seemed a bit taken aback, but also she wrote some kind words as well which I appreciated. I feel I made a good choice, but it was difficult.

Also, due some of my supervisor’s guidance, I had to break up with some clients this week. These clients are a few I’ve kept at the same rate since interning a few years ago, which is very under my current rate (their rate is $50 and my normal current session fee is $125). I have a great relationship with them and it’s been hard to disturb that. My supervisor wasn’t allowing me to keep them at that rate any longer. I’ve fortunately managed to work out agreements to keep most of the clients (through insurance or charging current rate but seeing them less). One of the client’s I wasn’t able to keep though (I didn’t take her insurance and she definitely would benefit from continuing weekly therapy) I feel I haven’t made much movement at all with anyhow. But she also tends to cling to relationships, even if they don’t serve her. So even though she’s adamant she’d rather stick with me, I can’t trust she’s doing what’s best for her anyhow. Having the tough conversation and having her go to another therapist is probably for the best, although she was in tears. I feel I made a good choice, but it was difficult.

Additionally, I had to break up with this guy I’ve been seeing for a few months. I’ve initiated a conversation of “what are we?” with this guy a couple times recently. He’s been saying he didn’t feel ready yet to be exclusive and reverberated the same thought this conversation. So then I finally just stated “If after seeing each other this long, you’re still unsure you want an exclusive relationship, maybe you’re just not feeling quite right about us, am I right?.” And shortly after I finally got him to admit he didn’t see me as anything serious and just saw me as some fun. Exactly the information I needed to make decisions. Then I just told him that being in the current situation made me feel insecure and like I wasn’t good enough. I know I am good enough for someone, but that relationship/situation didn’t make me feel like it. And then after explaining how it made me feel and how continuing it would leave my heart in pieces, I ended it with him. I thanked him for telling the truth and some positives I got from the experience, and ended the conversation shortly after. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, but I wouldn’t take decisions in that conversation back. I feel I made a good choice, but it was difficult.

Overall I don’t regret any of my choices, but damn, when it rains does it pour! Lol Universe, can you give me a week off from difficult conversations please? Lol

Anyhow, thanks for hearing me vent.

❤️

The Drop and the Rock

There is a eastern Taoist principle that says the effort you exert in small bits each day will go way further than that you exert all at once. The example is if you were to pour tons of gallons of water over a rock all at once, it wouldn’t do much of anything to change its shape. However, if you pour the water a drop at a time on the rock over years, it would eventually split the rock in two. The efforts done gradually are more impactful. Additionally, when applied to our own lives, when we exert a lot of effort all at once it may not be sustainable. You might burn out. I think this applies to a lot of things in life. For me personally right now, I may be doing too much in too short of a time in some areas. A little less at a time would probably be better.

Racism

I’ve noticed many well-intended people aren’t aware of a really important concept when it comes to racism. That is we’ve all been acculturated by society to favor privileged groups, so we’re all racist. To not understand this, is to not understand a huge part of the problem. People who say “I don’t see color” are well meaning, but they’re not understanding we all have implicit bias (meaning some of the decisions we make about race are not conscious). You can be the most well-intended person in the world, and trying as hard as you can to be as fair as you can, but you’re still going to have bias towards privileged groups. If want confirmation of how you do personally, take these surveys through Harvard University. Knowing we have implicit bias means we can’t just rely on people trying not to be racist to make it an equal world. We need to have policies in place that help equality despite our implicit bias, and also be aware of our bias. The less we understand the problem, the less we’re able to tackle it, so seeing the problem as clear as we can is important. Cops, judges, and juries (most of which aren’t overtly racist), are just in a position of huge responsibility that highlights the problem, but it’s a systemic problem (not just with them). In fact, because of implicit bias, if you took only the cops that were trying to do the best that they can, people of color would still be at a higher risk for being shot by them than white people in the same situation. Implicit bias would make the well intended cops a little less trusting, and a few seconds more likely to pull the trigger, which would result in more deaths. And let me stress it’s not just white people that have implicit bias, it’s EVERYONE. We all are acculturated to favor privileged groups, not just white people. And this systemic nature goes not just for racial inequality, but inequality in other forms such as sexism, ageism, LGTBQ+. It may not be our fault (because we’re all acculturated by society) BUT if we want to make for the fairest/best world we can, IT IS our responsibility to do our best to make things right. 💕

If you keep seeing the past negatively, change something you’re doing in the present

It’s possible in some instances, to reframe something disturbing from the past by acknowledging good came from it. But sometimes you can’t do that easily yet, because the universe is crying out for you to take action NOW before that can happen. Once you’re shifting your current actions in a positive, self-respecting direction, you can look back on the past and you’ll stop being angry. Feelings serve functions, among them being communicating to ourselves when we need to take action/do something different. Sometimes, once you start standing up for yourself or do what you need to be doing, then you can finally reframe it and feel much better about the situation.

When depressed, think of life just like music…

I’m a huge music lover. If I hear a tune I vibe with, I’ll typically start playing that song over and over on loop until I’m tired of it. I’ll add my favorite new songs to a playlist titled for the year. That way I can go back and see all the songs that came out in a particular year I thought were amazing.
I feel life can be compared to music in this way. When I’m depressed, I try to remember, just like music, so many great things come out in a year, but it can sometimes be hard to see it without looking back. Seeing so many great songs from past years in my playlists encourages me to keep going. New stuff is coming at us all the time (both with music and with life), and each year some pretty amazing things happen.

When you don’t know how to make a goal happen: focus on the end, not the means

After a lot of hard work including full time work and school, I’ve finally started my dream career as a counselor. It’s taken a lot of discipline including working over 60 hr/wk most of this year between work and a school internship. It also took factors out of my control to accomplish too, so I feel very lucky to be where I’m at. I can’t even believe it happened! I have so much to be grateful for and celebrate right now, yet one negative has grabbed my attention and I struggle with not allowing it to take away from my celebration. That negative is I really dislike my current schedule. Unfortunately, the counselor I share a room with to get exactly the schedule she preferred without considering any of my preferences. I work every Saturday often starting at 7am and my days working and off are separated. When I asked my supervisor why the decisions went the way they did I was told “well we didn’t realize it would bother you that much”. No matter how I keep trying to shelve the situation in my mind, it keeps coming up in my head and I feel really angry and frustrated about the situation as well as how it was handled. I feel our schedules really affects our ability to balance life, be social, as well as enjoy both free and work time. I do feel in addition though,  so much good has happened for me and it’s unfortunate I’m allowing it to ruin my joy for celebrating my achievements.

If the schedule keeps coming up in my mind, I don’t think I should ignore that. It can be a sign I need to address it, and I can use it to drive me to pursue positive action. However #1.) I don’t know how to most effectively pursue next steps and #2.) I want to stop it from consuming my attention and energy. I was recently reading a book called you2 by Price Pratchett. It mentions when you don’t know how to make something happen (and perhaps even if you think you might know of a way), it’s helpful to just focus the goal rather than plotting out the means. This is because we tend to limit creativity and miss potential ways of how things can be accomplished when we plot out the means right away through the limited info we know. So I’m going to focus on the goal, and hopefully be in a better spot soon enough.

“When you focus consistently on a clear picture of what you want to accomplish, and move toward it confidently, the unseen forces will rally to your support.” – Price Pratchett

Being still

I’ve had a hard time centering myself. I feel like I’m always behind, running late, my life is out of balance, and I wish I had more time. So for the new year I’ve been doing a new practice of meditation, writing, and reading for a bit each day. Just a few minutes of each so the total practice only takes about 15 minutes. Nothing groundbreaking has happened yet, but the meditation has been a check-in to my feelings (noticing how restless or tense I feel as well as my ability to concentrate). The routine’s also been slowly getting me through the books I’ve been meaning to read. And since I’ve had to allot time in the morning for it, it’s additionally been helping me be more on time. Those benefits alone are enough to continue it. I’ve ran into a few times I’ve gotten out of the routine for a few days but always found a way back on. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep it up.